Butler's Cinema Scene

“DELIVERY MAN” My rating: C- (Opens wide on Nov. 22)

103 minutes | MPAA rating: PG-13

In his latest film Vince Vaughn plays an irresponsible, ambitionless slacker for whom real work is an afterthought.

Wait a minute…that’s the character Vince Vaughn plays in most of his movies.

The twist in the squishy-soft comedy “Delivery Man” is that Vaughn’s character  finds that thanks to his regular donations to a sperm bank more than two decades ago, he is now the biological father of 533 children. What’s more, 142 of his offspring have filed a lawsuit against the fertility clinic, hoping to discover Daddy’s identity.

So that they can, like, bond with him or something.

Vaughn’s David Wozniak drives a delivery truck for his family’s Manhattan meat wholesaling biz. He’s inept at even this simple job…he’s always late making his rounds, has a world-class collection of parking citations, and frequently sees his truck towed by the cops.

He’s got a girlfriend whom he ignores for days on end (Cobie Smulders of TV’s “How I Met Your Mother”); plus, she’s pregnant and isn’t sure she wants a loser like David on her team.

He’s growing hydroponic pot in his apartment.

Oh, yeah, David also has a gambling problem. He owes $100,000 to loan sharks who periodically send thugs to rough him up and, when that produces no results, they take to assaulting David’s elderly father.

In a word, David is worthless. So of course writer/director Ken Scott devotes this film to proving he’s really a great, cuddly, nice guy.

Cobie Smulders, Vince Vaughn

Though he’s a nameless shadow to the kids he has sired, David knows their identities. They’re plaintiffs in a lawsuit, after all.

Out of curiosity he starts anonymously looking them up…and finds himself in the role of guardian angel.

He saves a daughter from a drug overdose. One of his kids is a fat drunk who needs a safe ride home. One is an actor making ends meet by working behind a coffee bar. There’s a Central Park busker, a professional basketball player, a gay guy with a very busy sex life. A beautiful girl who is half African-American. A swimming pool life guard who saves David from drowning.

One of David’s children – a high-strung neurotic (Adam Cahnler-Berat) — does discover his identity and blackmails our protagonist, moving into Dad’s scuzzy apartment in return for not blowing the whistle. He’s a vocal vegan.  See, cause David drives a meat truck. It makes for cute dialogue, right?

Finally, in a bit of saccharine overkill that turns “Delivery Man” into a swim through a vat of molasses, David finds that one of his children is a silent, tongue-lolling boy in a wheelchair who resides in an institution for the developmentally disabled.

The lawsuit grinds toward a courtroom showdown in which David’s friend and hapless lawyer (Chris Pratt) must win a settlement from the fertility clinic that will allow his client to pay off the loan sharks and start life anew with his preggers girlfriend.

And it goes without saying that little by little David finds himself getting in touch with his inner daddy.

Good for him. I got in touch with my inner disgust.

There may not be one moment in “Delivery Man” that isn’t seeped in heavy-handed manipulation. It’s impossible to believe any of these characters or situations. The whole thing is shamelessly inauthentic and synthetic.

‘Nuff said.

| Robert W. Butler