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“DARK SHADOWS”  My rating: C (Opening wide on May 11)

113 minutes | MPAA rating: PG-13

You can’t expect Johnny Depp to do everything.

He’s a very fine actor, wildly creative and capable of putting a singular spin on just about any character that comes his way, from Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter to the tragicomic Edward Scissorhand.

But he can’t take an indifferent piece of writing or a half-assed idea and, through sheer will power, transform it into gold. Surely we have at least learned that from three “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels.

(I’m talking here of esthetics. When it comes to actual gold – i.e., the generating of wealth – Depp’s mere presence in a film practically guarantees its financial success.)

Artistically, though, there’re only so many miracles that one man – even a very talented man — can pull off in the face of overwhelming mediocrity.

Lately, Depp has been wasting his great talents trying to give life to meritless films. The most recent of these is “Dark Shadows,” an updating of the late-‘60s horror-themed daytime soap opera.

The film’s trailer is promising. Here’s a white-skinned, black-haired Depp as Barnabus Collins, the series’ conflicted vampire hero, who after 200 years in a buried coffin is  having a hard time adapting to modern life (in this case the early 1970s). Like the aforementioned Mr. Scissorhand, he’s both cute and creepy.

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Joel Murray and Tara Lynne Barr…a modern Bonnie & Clyde?

“GOD BLESS AMERICA”  My rating: B- (Opening May 11 at the Screenland Crossroads)

100 minutes | Audience rating: R

“God Bless America” is less a movie than a primal scream of rage and frustration.

It’s basically a riff on the lovers-on-a-murder-spree genre (“Bonnie and Clyde,” “Badlands,” even “Thelma & Louise”), but one packed to the gills with biting social commentary courtesy of writer/director  Bobcat Goldthwait.

In case you didn’t know, Goldthwait, best known for his synapse-knotting stand-up comedy delivery, is a pretty decent filmmaker (“Shakes the Clown,” “World’s Greatest Dad”)

Here he takes all the things that infuriate him about America’s shallow, anti-intellectual, Kardashian-worshipping popular culture and unmercifully skewers them and their proponents.

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 “THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL”  My rating: B- (Opening May 11 at the Tivoli, Glenwood Arts)

124 minutes | MPAA rating: PG-13

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” is about as comfortable as an old pair of shoes…and about as surprising.

The latest from director John Madden (“Shakespeare in Love”) is an adaptation of Deborah Moggach’s novel about a group of Brit retirees who opt to outsource their “golden years” to a retirement community in India.

The film is cast with many of the usual suspects (Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Penelope Wilton) and going in you can rest assured that while these expatriates all will bring problems with them, most will be resolved before the lights come up.

“Marigold Hotel…” has been carefully calculated to please the over-50 demographic, and why not? If the runny-nosed adolescents get movies made just for them, why not something for Grandma?

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Greta Gerwig (far right) and do-gooder posse

“DAMSELS IN DISTRESS”  My rating: C-  (Opening May 5 at the Glenwood at Red Bridge)

99 minutes | MPAA rating: PG-13

I have acquaintances who are big fans of Whit Stillman, who love his ultra-low-keyed comedies of modern manners (or perhaps it’s a lack of manners).

Sorry. I don’t get it.

I wasn’t that enthusiastic about Stillman’s best movie, his 1990 debut feature “Metropolitan.” But  I’m borderline hostile  when it comes to his fourth and latest film, the overly-mannered, criminally underpopulated “Damsels in Distress.”

Having heard about the setup for “Damsels…” I was actually looking forward to it. There’s some real potential here.

Set on the ivy-covered and vaguely run-down campus of Seven Oaks College, Stillman’s screenplay centers on a trio of terminally peppy and unabashedly preppy coeds. Their leader is the towering Violet (Greta Gerwig, memorable in “Greenberg”) who, like a Seven Sisters mutation of Jane Austen’s  Emma, has  devoted herself to improving the lives of her fellow students.

Whether or not they want their lives improved.

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Jason Patric

“KEYHOLE”  My rating: C (Opens May 4 at the Crown Center)

90 minutes | MPAA rating: R

“Keyhole” is the weirdest movie Guy Maddin has yet made…which is saying a lot.

In many regards it is vintage Maddin — shot in black and white on claustrophobic sets, marked by dynamic editing and a bizarre soundtrack, and acted by performers who do their best not to be naturalistic.

The problem is that “Keyhole” lacks what may be the most crucial element of Maddin’s style — his bizarre sense of humor. There are stabs at grim hilarity here, but they don’t take. Overall, this is a brooding, dark and largely joyless enterprise.

It’s set in a falling-down mansion in what is apparently the 1930s.  A group of gangsters and their molls armed with pistols and Tommyguns take refuge in the parlor. It’s night and outside a raging lightning storm competes with the flashing lights of police cars surrounding the house  to create a hallucinogenic atmosphere.

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Gianni De Grigorio in “The Salt of Life”

“THE SALT OF LIFE”  My rating: B (Opening April 27 at the Tivoli)

90 minutes| No MPAA rating

The dirty old man has long been a generator of laughs. British comic Benny Hill made a career out of eye-rolling lechers; sitcom television is thick with thickening husbands who might dream a good game but no longer have the will or the skill.

Gianni Di Gregorio’s “The Salt of Life” might be viewed as an Italian “The Seven Year Itch.” But beneath the chuckles, something serious is happening.

Or maybe not. This is a very low-keyed, unassertive affair. You can view it as a pleasant toss-off or as a minor tragedy.

Writer/director Gergorio plays 60-year-old Gianni, involuntarily retired and now a househusband, holding down the fort while his wife goes to work and his daughter goes to college.

He’s a nondescript fellow whose dominant features are the prominent bags under his eyes. He looks like a cartoon Bassett hound.

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Tom Hiddleston, Rachel Weisz in “The Deep Blue Sea”

“THE DEEP BLUE SEA” My rating: C (Opening April 27 at the Tivoli and Glenwood)

98 minutes| MPAA rating: R

Twenty years ago British filmmaker Terence Davies made two movies — “Distance Voice, Still Lives” and “The Long Day Closes” — that were masterpieces of personal cinema. Low budget but beautifully conceived, the films hauntingly examined Davies’ own boyhood and youth in pre-WW2 Britain. They weren’t dramas, really (there was no big dramatic narrative), but they created an indelible portrait of a way of life, a working-class existence in which the simplest things might provide the most profound joy. Simple things like gathering with friends at the pub and over a pint singing popular songs.

In a sense Davies has been trying to remake those movies ever since. Certainly that seems to be the case with “The Deep Blue Sea,” his adaptation of Terrence Rattigan’s 1950 play about a woman who has left her wealthy husband for a washed-up fighter pilot and finds that isn’t working out either. Continue Reading »

Jason Segel, Emily Blunt

“THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT” My rating: C (Opening wide April 27)

124 minutes | MPAA rating: R

Movies made by Judd Apatow and his acolytes are guaranteed to deliver some hearty laughs.

You can also be sure that they will be afflicted with comedic elephantitis. They will go on. And on. And on.

The latest example of this wearisome trend is “The Five Year Engagement,” directed by Nicholas Stoller (“Get Him to the Greek,” “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and written by Stoller and star Jason Segel.

Tom (Segel) and Violet (Emily Blunt) have been dating for forever. He’s a chef in a trendy San Francisco restaurant. She’s…well, I’m not sure what she does.

But after years of happy cohabitation, Tom finally proposes. All is blissful. They tell their families, they dive into wedding planning. It’s just cute as hell.

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“IN THE FAMILY” My rating: A- (Opening May 20 at the Tivoli)

169 minutes | No MPAA rating

“In the Family” is a first feature so meticulously made, quietly heartfelt and carefully modulated that feels like a revelation, like the arrival of a talent that might really matter. An American Bresson, perhaps.

Except…except that writer/director/star Patrick Wang seems unable to turn it off. “In the Family” runs for nearly three freaking hours, and while audiences might tolerate that excess in a big-screen epic, it’s an intimidating thing in an intimate family drama. Unless you’re O’Neill, and even then it’s iffy.

Still, I saw the film a week ago and it has stuck with me. It establishes its own rhythms and viewpoint, it took up residence in my head. That doesn’t happen all that often.

What Wang gives us here is a story about a gay family, and yet I hesitate to call this a “gay” movie because its concerns — and Wang’s obvious artistry — are so universal.

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“CHIMPANZEE” My rating: C (Opening wide on April 30)

78 minutes | MPAA rating: PG

When Walt Disney began making nature documentaries back in the early 1950s, one of the first criticisms leveled at him was that he was anthropomorphizing his animal subjects.

The reviewers raved about the images captured by camera crews who camped out for weeks in the hope of catching an eaglet emerging from its egg or a stampede of lemmings committing mass suicide in a leap into an icy Arctic sea.

But they strenuously objected to Disney’s tendency to ascribe to these wild creatures human motives and human emotions, as if animals acted out of choice rather than out of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution.

Funny how things don’t change.
“Chimpanzee,” the latest of Disney’s new line of wildlife film, is sometimes so astoundingly beautiful that you wonder if it’s for real or if some of those images (lighting strikes, a fog-enshrouded rain forest) haven’t been sweetened with a big fat dollop of computer enhancement.

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