Butler's Cinema Scene

Salma Hayek and sea serpent

“TALE OF TALES”  My rating: C

133 minutes | No MPAA rating

From a technical perspective, “Tale of Tales” is one gorgeous films, a visual masterpiece of art design and cinematography.

It’s also dramatically stillborn. Sort of like the least engaging Terry Gilliam movie ever.

Directed by Matteo Garrone (who made a big splash a few years back with his lacerating Neapolitan crime drama “Gomorrah”) and adapted from the 17th century fairy tales of Giambattista Basile (the creator of “Cinderella”), this big production interweaves three of Basile’s stories. There’s an emphasis on sex and violence. The kiddies are not invited.

In one story the King and Queen of Longtrellis (John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek) are so desperate to produce an heir that they take advice from a mysterious sorcerer. The King must kill a sea monster (he dies in the quest), the Queen must eat the great beast’s heart.

It works. Her Highness has a high-speed pregnancy that lasts all of 24 hours and produces a son.  Weirdly, the cook who prepares the heart also gives birth overnight to a baby boy who is a dead ringer for the young Prince. (As adolescents the Prince and the Pauper — both albinos, by the way — are played by real-life twins Christian and Jonah Lees).

The boys have a spiritual connection which the Queen tries to break by sending the Pauper off to a foreign land. But the Prince runs away to find him.

Meanwhile the incredibly horny King of nearby Strongcliff (Vincent Cassel) has fallen for one of two sisters (Hayley Carmichael, Shirley Henderson) he has espied from afar. He doesn’t realize that the object of his lust is an old crone, and the sisters wisely conduct all the negotiations for the loss of sister Dora’s virginity through a closed door.

Fairy tale beauty (Stacy Martin)

The King is not amused when, after a night of bonking, he awakes to find a wrinkled old lady in his bed. He has her tossed from a castle window, but the sheets in which she is wrapped snag her in tree branches and suddenly Dora is transformed into young beauty (Stacy Martin). She becomes the target of the King’s lust all over again.

Across the way in the realm of Highhills, the King (Toby Jones) becomes fascinated with a giant (like, 500-pound) flea. He has the creature skinned and offers the hand of the Princess Violet (Bebe Cave) to any man who can guess the origin of the pelt.

The winner is a hulking ogre (Guillame Delaunay) who drags the poor girl back to his bone-strewn cave in the mountains to be sexually assaulted. Violet plans a desperate escape.

If there are any morals to be taken from these bizarre tales, they eluded this viewer. Things happen randomly and illogically.

The cast is deep but there’s not much they can do. Psychological realism doesn’t exist in this world…the performance style here rests on exaggeration and cartoonish humor (not that any of it is particularly funny).

But, Lord, this movie certainly looks good.

| Robert W. Butler